A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
You Might Also Like
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.