ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks