Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.