just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I feel it
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.