Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.