cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
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I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.