“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
You Might Also Like
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
sistine chapel
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.