Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
This is true.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
our love story in four pictures
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.