Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Donkey Kong sommelier
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.