My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.