Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
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If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Home is where your toilet is.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.