If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
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me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
based al yankovic
They’re not wrong
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
This is my brand.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication