[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.