LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Not today
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?