My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me