I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
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[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog