neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
(Jupiter –
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click