*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks