until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
the noise i just made
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
North and South
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I never needed anything more in my life
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist