hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
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Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Challenge accepted.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please