My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
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I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
mentally somewhere in italy
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*