I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.