I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
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Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
How it started How it’s going
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree