My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule