The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work