Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.