I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.