My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
SF is the wild wild west man
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?