I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
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Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots