*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
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ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe