*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.