Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT