Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
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Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The news
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire