*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
You Might Also Like
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.