If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS