“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
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[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.