How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The Struggle
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
ACED my prostate exam!