me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
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My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.