Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
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Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
this could fix me
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”