FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar