*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”