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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
handsome & gretel
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.