Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
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me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Did…did a minotaur write this
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing: