How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
spicy snake
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
ouch
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.