My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.