HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t