[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby