ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Me recordaron éste meme
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry