My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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Morning.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I have so many questions.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Monday Lisa
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Chicago sounds lovely.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better