My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”